(post written last week)
Hey guys! If you didn’t know already… I got voted “Most Original” in my ENTIRE class high school class of seniors! Or “Most Likely to be Original”? I dunno how that works.
SO! In celebration of me being officially O.G., I have prepared my acceptance speech:
Kevin walks up to the podium, the song “Good Vibrations” plays as background music.
Receive award from Halle Barry, music fades out.
“Thank you! Thank you! Wow… I… haha wow, I really just can’t believe this… haha, ooo, this is pretty heavy, haha. So I just wanted to thank everybody who voted for me! Oh garsh. I dunno where to start… um… I’d like to thank my family, they supported me all the way until I wanted to major in animation. Then they stopped for a few weeks. Then they supported me again! I want to thank all the little people, I learned to do that from my mom. That means YOU, Smurfs! (Smurfs shown blushing red [more purply actually]) I’d like to also thank all the big people, for they are often neglected and receivers of “How’s the weather up there?” questions. I want to thank my agent who has provided me with original ideas, Manny Fenderson. I wanna thank my friends, they’re all so awesome! Well. The ones who voted for me anyway. And most importantly (tears begin), I wanna thank my nana popo granmana, who… who’s always been there for me… (kiss to the ceiling). She was the first one to tell me “You can do it, Kevin. You can be original.” She always believed in me, even during the year of ’98 with my DUI… this is for you, nana popo granmana! THIS IS FOR YOU!!”
Music, Kevin turns and plants a wet one on the unsuspecting Halle Barry.
Exit, Stage Left
Act follows with Josh Groban singing Soulja Boy
Yeah. That’s how it would be.
Okay, actually… I bet half of you didn’t even vote for me. OKAY ACTUALLY, I bet no one even voted for “most original guy”, and if they did, they voted for Anti-Kevin. Luckily the ballots were sent to Florida, so I somehow became the winner! YAY FLORIDA AND POLITICAL JOKES! Second one in Kanga history!
But if you were looking for justification as to why I deserve the “Most Original” award, I am here to defend my case! Defend it like lawyer with a briefcase! Something like that!
Exhibit A: My Kanga
A website where I can jot down my daily thoughts? NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE. I am the pioneer in online journals and or diaries; America is to landing on the moon as Kevin is to writing a new post. Except I land on the moon almost once a week. BEAT THAT, AMERICA!!! You say Xanga was here first and I just named my Kanga after the Xanga? Well I have a question for you. Does “Xanga” have a “K”?? NO case and point.
Exhibit B: My asianess
Being asian is hard to come by at our school. Everyday I am overwhelmed by white people, from Will Stabile, all the way down to Taylor Tso (YOU ARE VERY WELCOME). Even when you think someone’s sorta asian, BAM, they’re only one-eighteenth. Fact, every teacher at school is either Scottish or African American.
Exhibit C: I run
People play soccer, baseball, badminton, or maybe even Socballminton! But I run. Honestly, how many of you can say that you have EVER ran in your life time. I’ll make it easy and answer the question for you: “Never, Kevin!” That’s right! Not only do I run during Cross Country, but I also run during Track. Not to brag or anything, but running is something I sorta made up on my own. One time I was walking and I was all like “Hey… what if… I walked faster?” BOOM running. Go ahead and Wiki that origin story. And if it doesn’t match mine, well, then you know Wikipedia can’t be trusted.
Exhibit D: I am Adam
Alright, it’s time to tell you guys the truth. I… am Adam. As in “Adam and Eve”. (Man, it’s kinda annoying always being paired with “Eve”. We had a THING back in the cave, THAT WAS IT. I think she’s married now, living in Boston.) Now this whole “Kevin Lam is really Adam Lam?!” reveal might be a bit of a schocker, but you’ll get used to it, along with the fact that I am a few trillion years old. PLUS, not only am I Adam, the original human, I am ALSO Adam West! The original Batman!! That’s right Christian Bale, eat your heart out.
As you can see I’m a running asian who’s older than your grandparents and able to use a computer. My “Most Original” award is now rightly justified. Oh and if it’s any consolation, I really wanted the “title” (and that’s the truth).
On first thought, I really don’t think there were enough awards. So many people in our class deserve SOME kind of recognition, and it’s no fair how our “Worst Drivers” are acknowledged while other amazing people are not. (No offense.)
Here are other categories that should’ve been on the “Most LiKelies” list.
Most Likely to grow a mustache
Most Likely to get caught in a crossfire between rival gangs
Most Likely to win the lottery
Most Likely to spend time (in jail)
Most Likely to spontaneously combust
Most Likely to finish reading an entire Kanga post
Most Likely to carry out a grudge
Most Likely to feed the homeless
Most Likely to eat the homeless
Most Likely to poop a bubble
Most Likely to visit their grandparent’s house
Most Likely to swim up stream
Most Likely to compete on American Idol
Most Likely to lose the switch in the couch
Most Likely to come home from work one day and decide that the world is totally failing him/her and that the only solution is a bullet through the head until a miracle of sorts shows him/her a brand new way of looking at life, convincing him/her that life is worth living through again.
Most Likely to die early
Most Likely to switch bodies with someone
Most Likely to predict the weather next Tuesday
Most Likely to eat cereal without milk
Most Likely to catch a fly with chopsticks
Boy that would be an interesting group of people! I could keep on going, but I think I made the list a little long. Should’ve stopped at pooping bubbles.
Ho garsh, I made this POST too long. Well YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT GUYS WITH LONG POSTS… MMHMM…
They say they’re awesome. Duh.
Oh and people also chose “Most Original Girl”! I guess my brain waves work on the same level as Caroline Im!! YAY!!!
…Wait a minute.