Did that fool you? My post title? Was it tricky? Did you expect an emotional filled post about how my life is spiraling down to the ground like a guy who fell out of an airplane and is now spiraling down to the ground? Am I a tricky tricky man?
Then huHAH! I am so sly! No this post is about how I donated blood yesterday! First time ever! Saving lives is the second perk of being 17. The first one is the ability to watch rated-R movies, which I fail to exercise as I desire to watch Bolt in 3-D!
So yeah, gave blood! I woke up that morning and didn’t think I would be losing 1 pint of my life that day. Well I mean I signed up last week, but I totally forgot and was gonna cancel, but turns out, I could get loads of free stuff for donating! WHO’DA THUNK! So I donated.
If you’re unaware of the process, here’s what happens when you donate blood.
How You Donate Blood
1. Arrive at the location and read this booklet thing
2. Return the booklet and wait.
3. Scoot over one seat. Wait.
4. Scoot some more. Wait.
5. GET TO THE FRONT OF THE LINE! Wait.
6. Someone calls you into a room and asks you lots of personal questions. What people don’t know is that these questions are a test of your knowledge! For example, if they ask you “What is your name?”, make sure you give your full name, including secondary middle name, along with the amount of letters in your name, a spelling of your name backwards, and how your blood will showcase your dreams and aspirations.
7. You’ll know if you pass when they prick your finger for some blood. They do this to test your manliness, so I discourage wincing or tears.
8. You take an electronic test that asks you about AIDS and whatnot. Make sure you answer “No” to everything. Who cares if you have malaria, a baby in your stomach, and hepatitis A, B, and C!? YOU NEED TO SAVE LIVES IN AFRICA!! Lie for the dying.
9. Once you’re done, you head on over to the actual place where you give blood.
10. Go up to the lady and ask where to go. She’ll tell you to go to a bed. Look around and ask “That one?” as you point to a bed. Wait for her to say “Yes”, and when she does, go to that bed and lay down.
11. Do not remain calm. Be sure you’re very agitated and nervous. That way, the blood will pump faster in your system and you’ll be able to donate faster and more efficiently. DO NOT QUESTION SCIENCE.
12. A lady will come and prepare your arm for needle injection to suck out the blood. Do not think about bats.
13. Distract yourself with someone, and when you least expect it, BOOM you’ll be stabbed and the blood sucking begins.
14. You must squeeze a stress ball every 5 seconds to keep the blood flowing. OR, what they don’t tell you is that you can just squeeze the part of your arm near the needle, or pump your chest where your heart is. Those two methods work better than silly ball squeezing.
15. SQUEEZES/BEATS MUST BE EXACTLY 5 SECONDS APART! Counting with Alligators, Crocodiles, One-thousands, or Mississippis may help.
16. When you’re done, don’t wait or else the bag of your blood will explode onto your crotch (and that’s embarrassing). Get up immediately and look around for a helper. If no one is there, I suggest you start running in circles to get attention.
17. The lady will come back and take out the needle.
18. She’ll put a cotton thing on the point of entry and tell you to apply pressure. However, it’s perfectly fine to start punching you arm, for your brute strength will repress any bleeding and retreat the blood back into your veins.
19. Your arm will get wrapped in some kinda of wrapping thing. The directions say to leave it on for at least 5 hours, but remember, directions are for wussies.
20. When the lady is done helping you, be sure to give her a kiss on the cheek. Why? Because the lips are too forward and you are not ready for that step in your relationship. Also, kisses are not necessary if your helper is (A) a man, (B) a monkey, (C) a figment of your imagination, or (D) an ugly lady.
21. Go to the recovery table and eat like you’ve been starving for decades (but don’t eat like you’re dead because then you wouldn’t).
22. FREE FOOD!
23. Be sure to ask for a free shirt. If they run out of your size, just say “extra large is okay”, sigh, and then give them a dirty look.
24. If you “faint”, don’t be fooled! That is not a faint, but a mere involuntary rest of the body. Don’t try to fight it, don’t try to get help, just embrace it and take a nice nap. You deserve it. You saved 50 freakin’ Africans.
I’m just kidding about #20. Ugly ladies deserve kisses too.
What an experience! I dunno if I’ll ever do that again, for I dunno when I’ll have such a convenient opportunity. It feels good to donate blood and save some lives. You know what also feels good? A free T-shirt.